Dear Loves,
We've been friends for quite a while now. And since then, you know how much I love you and treated you as my soul twin sister. It was such a unique experience finding someone who is almost like you, someone who can finish your sentence, read your thoughts as if your thoughts are hers. You were my someone special. So special that it never crossed my mind that we'd end up in a situation such as this.
It was some few days ago that you unknowingly hurt me. Yes, for me it was beyond your knowledge at first, or was it? I'm not even sure now. (I know you might come across this entry one day, I just hope you finish reading first before any 'violent' reactions, and I know you would) I am sure it was somewhere between the time that I'm in love with him and the time that you said you two were communicating that all these happened. I was very vocal with how I feel for him. That even after all the drama, I still love him. I was the one who even told you to go and befriend him. For I know he really needs someone to talk to. It was somewhere between there that I said to you, what if it he falls for you? And I said it would be fine, at least it was you that he fell for. And it never crossed my mind that it would hurt me that much when that thought was somehow confirmed.
It surely hurt like hell. More than hell, if there was any. I don't know, I'm not sure what or which part hurts me the most, but I am 100% sure of something, I should not feel that way towards you. Then it all came to me. Why am I crying if I was the one who said it would be fine if you two fell for each other? Why I am hurting if it was ok in the first place? Why you? Why him? Why me? Why all of these?
Being the selfish biatch that I am, I despised you for a while. All I thought about was my feelings. I even thought that you somehow betrayed me because all the while you know how I feel for him. That for a time, I thought you didn't even care about how I would feel. I was selfish enough to make you promise to not let anything or anyone ruin the friendship. That was my selfish me.
And then it struck me. Yes, I do love him since time immemorial, but did it matter to him? I guess not. (But I still love him, silly!) He knows how I feel for him and knows how much I love you, still he went this way, what is he thinking? That I would understand everything? Yes, I guess? And then you. I thought about you. Call me crazy but I want you to be happy. I know you are happy right now. But this is a different kind of happiness. Something that my love, our love can't give you, can't fill what's missing. Then, even with a broken heart, I gathered all the remaining strength that I got and told you to go for it. That if he makes you happy, go.
It will surely break my heart into pieces, it will surely leave a wound, a scar, but I want you to not think of me. I want you to even let go of me if holding onto me will be a hindrance to go after your happiness. That is how much I love you. That is how much I want you to be happy. Until now, that is my stand, it will never change. When I made you my friend, I promised myself to keep you forever, you and my other loves. That is how much I love all of you. I want all of you to be happy. If your happiness means I'll get hurt, leave it at that. I'll get hurt anyways.
Loves, please, as I have told you, with all sincerity, go after who makes you happy. Happiness comes every so often that if you let go of it, you'll never know when you'll be able to find it again. Friends will always be here. Will always be by your side. I might take a short break from it if 'happiness' happens but I will surely be back. More stronger. Much better.
Love you always,
Loves.
