I have been feeling lethargic for the last two to three weeks now. I dunno what causes it but I want to be alone most of the time. I've been feeling unwell too, GERD, fever and other discomforts that makes me feel more sad. But nothing compares if you hear a friend saying the same thing and thinking of suicide. She doesn't seem to be suicidal at all but the thought that she thinks of it scares me, I know she got a great head above her shoulder but this is real. Why on earth would she think of it?
Suicide is not new to me, I've been there a couple of times (except those that I know I would feel pain, i.e. stabbing myself to death, gunshot and gulping a bottle of Muriatic Acid). The thought of pain scares me, though I can say that I have a high level of tolerance when it comes to pain. Case in point, I've got several heartaches from April up to now that I am typing this. *silly* Seriously, I've tried it several times and it didn't work out. That proves me that my life is not mine alone to live. I don't know if this is birthday blues, quarter life crisis (7 years late) or I'm going nuts. I hate feeling this way.
Especially that I have been reading several FB walls, and the last that I read is not even close to good news. I am happy if he is. I wish him well. Just that I should have told him why I left him several years back. That it wasn't me. That though I feel loved by your family, they don't want me for you. That I heard them talking about it. I guess I am years too late to explain my side of the story. Nevertheless, sorry if I left you just like that. Sorry that you came home that day to a bad news. Sorry that it was the last time that I would be preparing your clothes for work. That I would be helping you with your work. That the night before that was the last night we slept together. Sorry if I didn't say a thing or two. I know you will choose your family over anything and I don't want whatever we're having to end up with you choosing between me and your family, for I know it will always be your them. Sorry that I didn't say I love you back then, for I was sure that you are reading between the lines, that you are intelligent enough to know that I do love you then. It was true that I am going somewhere to somehow reach my goal, but half of the truth is I want your family to have you alone for the meantime. I never thought that 'meantime' would be this long. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to explain all this. I wish you well. I wish both of you well. I hope sometime, may be not anytime soon, we'll be friends again. back to what we were before. Back to the same you and me before. You know how important you are to me. How much I value you and our friendship. I guess I have to live with that. Again, sorry and whatever love is left for you here in my heart, let that stay with me for the rest of my breathing life.
