Lethargically Yours

I have been feeling lethargic for the last two to three weeks now. I dunno what causes it but I want to be alone most of the time. I've been feeling unwell too, GERD, fever and other discomforts that makes me feel more sad. But nothing compares if you hear a friend saying the same thing and thinking of suicide. She doesn't seem to be suicidal at all but the thought that she thinks of it scares me, I know she got a great head above her shoulder but this is real. Why on earth would she think of it? 

Suicide is not new to me, I've been there a couple of times (except those that I know I would feel pain, i.e. stabbing myself to death, gunshot and gulping a bottle of Muriatic Acid). The thought of pain scares me, though I can say that I have a high level of tolerance when it comes to pain. Case in point, I've got several heartaches from April up to now that I am typing this. *silly*  Seriously, I've tried it several times and it didn't work out. That proves me that my life is not mine alone to live. I don't know if this is birthday blues, quarter life crisis (7 years late) or I'm going nuts. I hate feeling this way.

Especially that I have been reading several FB walls, and the last that I read is not even close to good news. I am happy if he is. I wish him well. Just that I should have told him why I left him several years back. That it wasn't me. That though I feel loved by your family, they don't want me for you. That I heard them talking about it. I guess I am years too late to explain my side of the story. Nevertheless, sorry if I left you just like that. Sorry that you came home that day to a bad news. Sorry that it was the last time that I would be preparing your clothes for work. That I would be helping you with your work. That the night before that was the last night we slept together. Sorry if I didn't say a thing or two. I know you will choose your family over anything and I don't want whatever we're having to end up with you choosing between me and your family, for I know it will always be your them. Sorry that I didn't say I love you back then, for I was sure that you are reading between the lines, that you are intelligent enough to know that I do love you then. It was true that I am going somewhere to somehow reach my goal, but half of the truth is I want your family to have you alone for the meantime. I never thought that 'meantime' would be this long. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to explain all this. I wish you well. I wish both of you well. I hope sometime, may be not anytime soon, we'll be friends again. back to what we were before. Back to the same you and me before. You know how important you are to me. How much I value you and our friendship. I guess I have to live with that. Again, sorry and whatever love is left for you here in my heart, let that stay with me for the rest of my breathing life.

To Myself

You have to start anew. Stop hearing yourself cry to sleep. What if you love him forever? There are a lot of things that can happen between now and forever and forgetting him is one. You're hurting? Of course you will, because you are living. None of those who are living did not get hurt. Please, help yourself get over this. You are stronger than what you think. Who cares if you'll get your heart broken? It's not the first. Do what you do best whenever it happens. Pick up all the pieces and start again.

Move on, move forward but don't lose yourself in the process.

An Open Letter To You

Dear You, 

This won't be long. If you make her happy, please, take good care of her. Don't hurt her because if you do, you'll regret everything and I will make your life miserable than today. This is not a threat by the way. You know how 'bad' I can get. 

I'm not sorry I fell for you. Just make her happy. 

Me.

An Open Letter to Loves

Dear Loves, 

We've been friends for quite a while now. And since then, you know how much I love you and treated you as my soul twin sister. It was such a unique experience finding someone who is almost like you, someone who can finish your sentence, read your thoughts as if your thoughts are hers. You were my someone special. So special  that it never crossed my mind that we'd end up in a situation such as this. 

It was some few days ago that you unknowingly hurt me. Yes, for me it was beyond your knowledge at first, or was it? I'm not even sure now. (I know you might come across this entry one day, I just hope you finish reading first before any 'violent' reactions, and I know you would) I am sure it was somewhere between the time that I'm in love with him and the time that you said you two were communicating that all these happened. I was very vocal with how I feel for him. That even after all the drama, I still love him. I was the one who even told you to go and befriend him. For I know he really needs someone to talk to. It was somewhere between there that I said to you, what if it he falls for you? And I said it would be fine, at least it was you that he fell for. And it never crossed my mind that it would hurt me that much when that thought was somehow confirmed. 

It surely hurt like hell. More than hell, if there was any. I don't know, I'm not sure what or which part hurts me the most, but I am 100% sure of something, I should not feel that way towards you. Then it all came to me. Why am I crying if I was the one who said it would be fine if you two fell for each other? Why I am hurting if it was ok in the first place? Why you? Why him? Why me? Why all of these? 

Being the selfish biatch that I am, I despised you for a while. All I thought about was my feelings. I even thought that you somehow betrayed me because all the while you know how I feel for him. That for a time, I thought you didn't even care about how I would feel. I was selfish enough to make you promise to not let anything or anyone ruin the friendship. That was my selfish me. 

And then it struck me. Yes, I do love him since time immemorial, but did it matter to him? I guess not. (But I still love him, silly!) He knows how I feel for him and knows how much I love you, still he went this way, what is he thinking? That I would understand everything? Yes, I guess? And then you. I thought about you. Call me crazy but I want you to be happy. I know you are happy right now. But this is a different kind of happiness. Something that my love, our love can't give you, can't fill what's missing. Then, even with a broken heart, I gathered all the remaining strength that I got and told you to go for it. That if he makes you happy, go. 

It will surely break my heart into pieces, it will surely leave a wound, a scar, but I want you to not think of me. I want you to even let go of me if holding onto me will be a hindrance to go after your happiness. That is how much I love you. That is how much I want you to be happy. Until now, that is my stand, it will never change. When I made you my friend, I promised myself to keep you forever, you and my other loves. That is how much I love all of you. I want all of you to be happy. If your happiness means I'll get hurt, leave it at that. I'll get hurt anyways. 

Loves, please, as I have told you, with all sincerity, go after who makes you happy. Happiness comes every so often that if you let go of it, you'll never know when you'll be able to find it again. Friends will always be here. Will always be by your side. I might take a short break from it if 'happiness' happens but I will surely be back. More stronger. Much better. 

Love you always, 

Loves.  

My Heart Cries

hear my heart cry, for its been crying out loud...

hear me whisper your name for the wind to carry...

letting all my sadness be blown up to the clouds...

and will soon touch me as the raindrops hurry...

Why Do I Love You?

Simply...

...because you can make me laugh even though I feel like crying. 

...because you can make me jealous and happy at the same time. 

...because you don't bring out the best in me but you made me see beyond the bestest me.

...because I am me when I am with you and you are you when you're with me. 

...because I can fart and burp all I want in front of you without even thinking that you might get turned off of that.

...because you are my friend even before I fell for you. 

Most importantly, I love you because...

...you made me realize you are not worth loving and I am worthy of a man who can speak his heart out and tell me that he does love me in any way he can.

And I thank you for that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

I don't love you.

I've been away for a while and it made me think about some things and some people. I can now say, without pain in my heart, that I don't feel anything towards you except that I do care for you as my friend, as a brother. Must be because you were there during those times that he wasn't, you were the one, aside from my girl friends, patiently talking to me then, you were my constant textmate and virtual buddy then. And when things started to fall apart, you were there to catch me and help me get back on my feet again. You were there like any brother would be for her sister and I misconstrued it. I was reading it wrong all this time. I was sending wrong signals to each and every part of my brain and my heart.

I don't love you because it's still him. After all that has been said and done, it's still him. After all the tears that I cried, it's still him. After all the psychological sickness that I've had, it's still him. You just helped me cope up and move on from him. 

You don't have to worry now, you and my girl friends, I am fine. I do still love the guy, who made me cry buckets of tears, but I won't let the same thing happen to me. I have all of you behind me. I have all your love to make life more meaningful. But I don't love you now, the way that I thought I do. 

Never Forget

Friend:

Remember the bad so you can be forgiving
Remember the good so you can be thankful
And you will be a better person.

Me:

If I do, will they remember me? that I forgave them?
If I do, will they be thankful to me as well?
I want to be the best that I can be, but I’m struggling each and everyday.
One day I am 90% best, the next day I am not even 50% of what I used to be the previous day.
I want. I really do.

Sad…

My Heart Has A Mind Of Its Own

People try and tell me that its crazy
You and I were never meant to be
I don't believe they know,
and even if it's so
I'm fallen anyway, no matter what they say.

Refrain:
A part of me is taking me by the hand
The world can't see
Still they can't understand
Why can't they understand. . . .

Chorus:
My heart has a mind of its own
Right or wrong its gonna do
Only what it feels is true
I'll follow it wherever it goes
Anywhere it leads me to
My heart has a mind, mind of its own.

Maybe we won't always be together
Maybe this'll last a thousand year
Ain't nobody knows, and even if they did
It wouldn't matter now
I'd love you anyhow.

Repeat Refrain and Chorus

My heart knows what I'm needing
My heart knows what I'm feeling
It knows me better than I know myself
My heart knows what I'm missin'
All I have to do is listen
And listen well. . . .

Repeat Chorus

Wish

If only I could go back to being young again, when wishes were given to those who celebrate their birthdays, even though I don't really celebrate mime, I'll make sure to buy me a cake and candles, and make my wish as I blew the candles. Hoping that the wind will blew my wish up and away, and make the love spirit lead its way to you. For now I know, that you were the wish that I never had. The wish that I forgot to ask. The wish that will forever be a wish. 

I Just Have To Stop

I just have to stop loving you...
I want to, but my heart can't...
Please teach me how, show me how...
So I can just stop.