To Love & Be Loved

I've never been good at this.

I fall too easy. I fall too hard. I find it difficult to fall out of love.

Love. Be loved. One of my weaknesses.

Let's put it this way. I fell in love at an early age of 10. Yes, while I was out playing games in the street, I fell in love. Puppy love? I thought so, until after so many years that I am still in love with the same guy, that is when I knew it was not just puppy love. After he has left the Earth and I am still in love with him, I guess it no longer qualifies for a puppy love. Well, that one was not a happy ending, another story to tell.

Problem with me is that I fall too easy. The slightest appreciation someone will show me, I would easily fall for it. Do not let your guards down when your with me, I might fall for you. The only way that I won't fall for someone is if he is committed -- with girlfriend, wife or even boyfriend. I am sure not to fall for you when you're one of them, unlike a lot of girls I know.

I fall hard. Once I feel that I am into someone, I start to be uneasy with the guy even if he's not around, what more if he is a friend. I tend to fall hard that I would even sacrifice my feeling just to make sure the other person would not feel uncomfortable or uneasy, unlike me. In the last so many years of my life, I have never pursued my emotions when I am falling for a friend. 

I have been a recluse for more than a month now. A part of it is because I don't want to accidentally see him when I go to work for an interview or anything. It's a battle between I want to see him and I don't want to see him, to hear from him and not to hear anything. It has always been a battle each time. Just like how I am battling this depression. Yes, I am depressed because of so many things and one of them is because of this emotion. This depression thing warrants a separate entry, so I will not discuss more of it here.

They say you have to fall in love to forget a love forlorn, but I cannot and will not because I have not have anyone to fall to. It would be unfair. But just to try and help, I have joined a couple of dating sites and tried opening up myself then again, another scary part of myself creeps in and I don't want to ever go back to it. Ever. 

It is really confusing and mind-boggling how I stay sane (or so I thought?) above all this. I am thankful to some wonderful friends who tries to talk to me -- not on this topic though, I try to keep all these to a number of friends and cousins, well, some cousins don't even know what I am going through right now, the exact happening in my life. That I am battling all these shit, 

Oh well, the disadvantage of falling in love, unrequited love that is, with a friend.

PS:

I unfriended and unfollowed him on my social medias, and yes, trying my VERY best not to peek on his page. Sorry. If you get to read this, I am really sorry for having a very weak control of my heart. :(

My Mind Says No

I am torn between decisions. My heart says go and try letting him know how I feel but my mind says no for so many reasons. 

> He is a friend, first and foremost. I don't wanna take the risk and lose another friend.

> He is years and years younger than I am and most of the time, they don't take revelations that well.

> I know because he confirmed it, that he is crushing on someone.

> Back to #1, I don't want to lose someone who can make me smile.

> Tired of being in this situation time and again. 

I know I have to think things through, I'm leaning towards what my mind says. Being torn tears my heart into pieces -- which I will later pick one by one. 

I'm Back, Again

Hello!

I don't know if anyone reads or pays attention to what I write here but hey, I'm back. I want to be back for good.

Yes, I still want you to hear my heart cry. Why my heart is still crying? Because I am still alive! It would still cry from time to time, it would still mourn for the same reason at times but I have grown accustomed to it -- that whatever I do, my heart will cry for all other reasons.

Just recently, I had my heart broken. no, not because of a guy. It is because of these special people whom I've met since I have started working in Taguig.

First off, before I had my final interview back in 2014, I have asked the HR people if they can check if a particular person is still working for them. Luckily, he's no longer with the company 2-3 years before I applied. To make the long story short, I've made it to Telus and I am still with them after almost two years. #HappyHere

Second, I've always had difficulties parting ways, most especially with people whom I've been close with. It was not an easy two years for me changing from one team to another, learned my lessons though -- to not get super close with people, do not expect to not be disappointed. Last straw was when I was re-profiled for another account. It was almost two months of working super close with these people -- we were each other's strength during times that we need to be strong. Lunch dates, short break dates, pre/post shift dates and payday dates. That is what we would usually do to make sure everyone's okay with all the challenges that we faced. To make sure that we will start and end the day happy. Sadly, I did not make the cut. If it was done personally as a revenge of some sort -- as what my other wave mates are saying -- or not, I stopped caring, for the management of that particular account at least. I am happy to be out of the account, sad that I will not get to see these bunch always but #happyhere is what my heart and mind says. AND... I still have to take the opportunity of learning a new language or who knows, I might go back to school and finish a degree -- my main reason then why I chose Telus.

My heart is silently crying because I miss these people -- Anne, Wej, some of Sprint peeps and Phoenix W3. But I am okay, perfectly fine. 

Thank God that I have stumbled upon these blogs that I have forsaken years ago. I'm not gonna promise that I will write everyday but hopefully I can share some SOML - what or who made my heart cry and of course learn a thing or two from it.