Friends, Family & You

*This is a FB post that I would be sharing here. It was intended for selected people only. 

Long post ahead, you’ve been warned. Selected people only. 

Friends (Wej and Anne) and family (Cray-crays and Mona), this is the time to say “I told you so”.

Okay, I admit, it was wrong from the start. I should have not dived in.  I shouldn’t have started something that would consume me later on. I should have not done the one thing that you guys have warned me about. But I am not sorry.

I was in control of me, of my emotions, on the first few months. Would lose it but would gain it back. Or so I thought. Until it became difficult for me to get out, to let go. I didn’t notice I was losing grip of where I should be holding on. I became selfish. I just thought of myself, that I am happy during those months. That was what I thought, and boy, I was so wrong.

I ditched friends, family and the only thing that makes me feel (in)sane.  One thing leads to another. One lie becomes two and then more. I made myself believe that it was worth it. That he was worth it. That soon, everything will be worth all these tears, these worries. But then again, I was not worth it. Not even a bit. Because there was nothing between us, just the deed. Not for me though

But how do you get hold of your old self back? How can I undo everything? He was a friend before this. He still is. But how can I get things back to how they were, when I feel lost? How can I go back to my old self and just forget seven months of my life? 

I said goodbye to the deed but not the friend. I am still holding on to the friend that I have known before things got crazy. I am still holding on to the friend who didn’t even care to hold me back to safety before letting go of where I am holding on. But I cannot blame him. I don’t blame him. I am not blaming anyone. It was just unfortunate that I was the one at the losing end, that my grip to sanity was not that good. And I do hope you guys won’t blame him either. Please. 

I will be fine. In time. And will surely be over this phase. I promise I will not do anything to harm me. 

To my crays, sorry that this post came ahead of my thank-you post. I love all of you. 

To Wej and Anne, please spare him from your words. I can handle this. It’s not the first time I have been broken.

To Mona, thank you for your understanding. Thank you for thinking of me, of my happiness that time. 

And to you, thank you for the seven months of happy uncertainties. I am still here. I will still be here. A promise is a promise.

My Mind Says No

I am torn between decisions. My heart says go and try letting him know how I feel but my mind says no for so many reasons. 

> He is a friend, first and foremost. I don't wanna take the risk and lose another friend.

> He is years and years younger than I am and most of the time, they don't take revelations that well.

> I know because he confirmed it, that he is crushing on someone.

> Back to #1, I don't want to lose someone who can make me smile.

> Tired of being in this situation time and again. 

I know I have to think things through, I'm leaning towards what my mind says. Being torn tears my heart into pieces -- which I will later pick one by one. 

I'm Back, Again

Hello!

I don't know if anyone reads or pays attention to what I write here but hey, I'm back. I want to be back for good.

Yes, I still want you to hear my heart cry. Why my heart is still crying? Because I am still alive! It would still cry from time to time, it would still mourn for the same reason at times but I have grown accustomed to it -- that whatever I do, my heart will cry for all other reasons.

Just recently, I had my heart broken. no, not because of a guy. It is because of these special people whom I've met since I have started working in Taguig.

First off, before I had my final interview back in 2014, I have asked the HR people if they can check if a particular person is still working for them. Luckily, he's no longer with the company 2-3 years before I applied. To make the long story short, I've made it to Telus and I am still with them after almost two years. #HappyHere

Second, I've always had difficulties parting ways, most especially with people whom I've been close with. It was not an easy two years for me changing from one team to another, learned my lessons though -- to not get super close with people, do not expect to not be disappointed. Last straw was when I was re-profiled for another account. It was almost two months of working super close with these people -- we were each other's strength during times that we need to be strong. Lunch dates, short break dates, pre/post shift dates and payday dates. That is what we would usually do to make sure everyone's okay with all the challenges that we faced. To make sure that we will start and end the day happy. Sadly, I did not make the cut. If it was done personally as a revenge of some sort -- as what my other wave mates are saying -- or not, I stopped caring, for the management of that particular account at least. I am happy to be out of the account, sad that I will not get to see these bunch always but #happyhere is what my heart and mind says. AND... I still have to take the opportunity of learning a new language or who knows, I might go back to school and finish a degree -- my main reason then why I chose Telus.

My heart is silently crying because I miss these people -- Anne, Wej, some of Sprint peeps and Phoenix W3. But I am okay, perfectly fine. 

Thank God that I have stumbled upon these blogs that I have forsaken years ago. I'm not gonna promise that I will write everyday but hopefully I can share some SOML - what or who made my heart cry and of course learn a thing or two from it.