I've never been good at this.
I fall too easy. I fall too hard. I find it difficult to fall out of love.
Love. Be loved. One of my weaknesses.
Let's put it this way. I fell in love at an early age of 10. Yes, while I was out playing games in the street, I fell in love. Puppy love? I thought so, until after so many years that I am still in love with the same guy, that is when I knew it was not just puppy love. After he has left the Earth and I am still in love with him, I guess it no longer qualifies for a puppy love. Well, that one was not a happy ending, another story to tell.
Problem with me is that I fall too easy. The slightest appreciation someone will show me, I would easily fall for it. Do not let your guards down when your with me, I might fall for you. The only way that I won't fall for someone is if he is committed -- with girlfriend, wife or even boyfriend. I am sure not to fall for you when you're one of them, unlike a lot of girls I know.
I fall hard. Once I feel that I am into someone, I start to be uneasy with the guy even if he's not around, what more if he is a friend. I tend to fall hard that I would even sacrifice my feeling just to make sure the other person would not feel uncomfortable or uneasy, unlike me. In the last so many years of my life, I have never pursued my emotions when I am falling for a friend.
I have been a recluse for more than a month now. A part of it is because I don't want to accidentally see him when I go to work for an interview or anything. It's a battle between I want to see him and I don't want to see him, to hear from him and not to hear anything. It has always been a battle each time. Just like how I am battling this depression. Yes, I am depressed because of so many things and one of them is because of this emotion. This depression thing warrants a separate entry, so I will not discuss more of it here.
They say you have to fall in love to forget a love forlorn, but I cannot and will not because I have not have anyone to fall to. It would be unfair. But just to try and help, I have joined a couple of dating sites and tried opening up myself then again, another scary part of myself creeps in and I don't want to ever go back to it. Ever.
It is really confusing and mind-boggling how I stay sane (or so I thought?) above all this. I am thankful to some wonderful friends who tries to talk to me -- not on this topic though, I try to keep all these to a number of friends and cousins, well, some cousins don't even know what I am going through right now, the exact happening in my life. That I am battling all these shit,
Oh well, the disadvantage of falling in love, unrequited love that is, with a friend.
PS:
I unfriended and unfollowed him on my social medias, and yes, trying my VERY best not to peek on his page. Sorry. If you get to read this, I am really sorry for having a very weak control of my heart. :(
