To Love & Be Loved

I've never been good at this.

I fall too easy. I fall too hard. I find it difficult to fall out of love.

Love. Be loved. One of my weaknesses.

Let's put it this way. I fell in love at an early age of 10. Yes, while I was out playing games in the street, I fell in love. Puppy love? I thought so, until after so many years that I am still in love with the same guy, that is when I knew it was not just puppy love. After he has left the Earth and I am still in love with him, I guess it no longer qualifies for a puppy love. Well, that one was not a happy ending, another story to tell.

Problem with me is that I fall too easy. The slightest appreciation someone will show me, I would easily fall for it. Do not let your guards down when your with me, I might fall for you. The only way that I won't fall for someone is if he is committed -- with girlfriend, wife or even boyfriend. I am sure not to fall for you when you're one of them, unlike a lot of girls I know.

I fall hard. Once I feel that I am into someone, I start to be uneasy with the guy even if he's not around, what more if he is a friend. I tend to fall hard that I would even sacrifice my feeling just to make sure the other person would not feel uncomfortable or uneasy, unlike me. In the last so many years of my life, I have never pursued my emotions when I am falling for a friend. 

I have been a recluse for more than a month now. A part of it is because I don't want to accidentally see him when I go to work for an interview or anything. It's a battle between I want to see him and I don't want to see him, to hear from him and not to hear anything. It has always been a battle each time. Just like how I am battling this depression. Yes, I am depressed because of so many things and one of them is because of this emotion. This depression thing warrants a separate entry, so I will not discuss more of it here.

They say you have to fall in love to forget a love forlorn, but I cannot and will not because I have not have anyone to fall to. It would be unfair. But just to try and help, I have joined a couple of dating sites and tried opening up myself then again, another scary part of myself creeps in and I don't want to ever go back to it. Ever. 

It is really confusing and mind-boggling how I stay sane (or so I thought?) above all this. I am thankful to some wonderful friends who tries to talk to me -- not on this topic though, I try to keep all these to a number of friends and cousins, well, some cousins don't even know what I am going through right now, the exact happening in my life. That I am battling all these shit, 

Oh well, the disadvantage of falling in love, unrequited love that is, with a friend.

PS:

I unfriended and unfollowed him on my social medias, and yes, trying my VERY best not to peek on his page. Sorry. If you get to read this, I am really sorry for having a very weak control of my heart. :(

My Mind Says No

I am torn between decisions. My heart says go and try letting him know how I feel but my mind says no for so many reasons. 

> He is a friend, first and foremost. I don't wanna take the risk and lose another friend.

> He is years and years younger than I am and most of the time, they don't take revelations that well.

> I know because he confirmed it, that he is crushing on someone.

> Back to #1, I don't want to lose someone who can make me smile.

> Tired of being in this situation time and again. 

I know I have to think things through, I'm leaning towards what my mind says. Being torn tears my heart into pieces -- which I will later pick one by one. 

I'm Back, Again

Hello!

I don't know if anyone reads or pays attention to what I write here but hey, I'm back. I want to be back for good.

Yes, I still want you to hear my heart cry. Why my heart is still crying? Because I am still alive! It would still cry from time to time, it would still mourn for the same reason at times but I have grown accustomed to it -- that whatever I do, my heart will cry for all other reasons.

Just recently, I had my heart broken. no, not because of a guy. It is because of these special people whom I've met since I have started working in Taguig.

First off, before I had my final interview back in 2014, I have asked the HR people if they can check if a particular person is still working for them. Luckily, he's no longer with the company 2-3 years before I applied. To make the long story short, I've made it to Telus and I am still with them after almost two years. #HappyHere

Second, I've always had difficulties parting ways, most especially with people whom I've been close with. It was not an easy two years for me changing from one team to another, learned my lessons though -- to not get super close with people, do not expect to not be disappointed. Last straw was when I was re-profiled for another account. It was almost two months of working super close with these people -- we were each other's strength during times that we need to be strong. Lunch dates, short break dates, pre/post shift dates and payday dates. That is what we would usually do to make sure everyone's okay with all the challenges that we faced. To make sure that we will start and end the day happy. Sadly, I did not make the cut. If it was done personally as a revenge of some sort -- as what my other wave mates are saying -- or not, I stopped caring, for the management of that particular account at least. I am happy to be out of the account, sad that I will not get to see these bunch always but #happyhere is what my heart and mind says. AND... I still have to take the opportunity of learning a new language or who knows, I might go back to school and finish a degree -- my main reason then why I chose Telus.

My heart is silently crying because I miss these people -- Anne, Wej, some of Sprint peeps and Phoenix W3. But I am okay, perfectly fine. 

Thank God that I have stumbled upon these blogs that I have forsaken years ago. I'm not gonna promise that I will write everyday but hopefully I can share some SOML - what or who made my heart cry and of course learn a thing or two from it. 

Lethargically Yours

I have been feeling lethargic for the last two to three weeks now. I dunno what causes it but I want to be alone most of the time. I've been feeling unwell too, GERD, fever and other discomforts that makes me feel more sad. But nothing compares if you hear a friend saying the same thing and thinking of suicide. She doesn't seem to be suicidal at all but the thought that she thinks of it scares me, I know she got a great head above her shoulder but this is real. Why on earth would she think of it? 

Suicide is not new to me, I've been there a couple of times (except those that I know I would feel pain, i.e. stabbing myself to death, gunshot and gulping a bottle of Muriatic Acid). The thought of pain scares me, though I can say that I have a high level of tolerance when it comes to pain. Case in point, I've got several heartaches from April up to now that I am typing this. *silly*  Seriously, I've tried it several times and it didn't work out. That proves me that my life is not mine alone to live. I don't know if this is birthday blues, quarter life crisis (7 years late) or I'm going nuts. I hate feeling this way.

Especially that I have been reading several FB walls, and the last that I read is not even close to good news. I am happy if he is. I wish him well. Just that I should have told him why I left him several years back. That it wasn't me. That though I feel loved by your family, they don't want me for you. That I heard them talking about it. I guess I am years too late to explain my side of the story. Nevertheless, sorry if I left you just like that. Sorry that you came home that day to a bad news. Sorry that it was the last time that I would be preparing your clothes for work. That I would be helping you with your work. That the night before that was the last night we slept together. Sorry if I didn't say a thing or two. I know you will choose your family over anything and I don't want whatever we're having to end up with you choosing between me and your family, for I know it will always be your them. Sorry that I didn't say I love you back then, for I was sure that you are reading between the lines, that you are intelligent enough to know that I do love you then. It was true that I am going somewhere to somehow reach my goal, but half of the truth is I want your family to have you alone for the meantime. I never thought that 'meantime' would be this long. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to explain all this. I wish you well. I wish both of you well. I hope sometime, may be not anytime soon, we'll be friends again. back to what we were before. Back to the same you and me before. You know how important you are to me. How much I value you and our friendship. I guess I have to live with that. Again, sorry and whatever love is left for you here in my heart, let that stay with me for the rest of my breathing life.

To Myself

You have to start anew. Stop hearing yourself cry to sleep. What if you love him forever? There are a lot of things that can happen between now and forever and forgetting him is one. You're hurting? Of course you will, because you are living. None of those who are living did not get hurt. Please, help yourself get over this. You are stronger than what you think. Who cares if you'll get your heart broken? It's not the first. Do what you do best whenever it happens. Pick up all the pieces and start again.

Move on, move forward but don't lose yourself in the process.

An Open Letter To You

Dear You, 

This won't be long. If you make her happy, please, take good care of her. Don't hurt her because if you do, you'll regret everything and I will make your life miserable than today. This is not a threat by the way. You know how 'bad' I can get. 

I'm not sorry I fell for you. Just make her happy. 

Me.

An Open Letter to Loves

Dear Loves, 

We've been friends for quite a while now. And since then, you know how much I love you and treated you as my soul twin sister. It was such a unique experience finding someone who is almost like you, someone who can finish your sentence, read your thoughts as if your thoughts are hers. You were my someone special. So special  that it never crossed my mind that we'd end up in a situation such as this. 

It was some few days ago that you unknowingly hurt me. Yes, for me it was beyond your knowledge at first, or was it? I'm not even sure now. (I know you might come across this entry one day, I just hope you finish reading first before any 'violent' reactions, and I know you would) I am sure it was somewhere between the time that I'm in love with him and the time that you said you two were communicating that all these happened. I was very vocal with how I feel for him. That even after all the drama, I still love him. I was the one who even told you to go and befriend him. For I know he really needs someone to talk to. It was somewhere between there that I said to you, what if it he falls for you? And I said it would be fine, at least it was you that he fell for. And it never crossed my mind that it would hurt me that much when that thought was somehow confirmed. 

It surely hurt like hell. More than hell, if there was any. I don't know, I'm not sure what or which part hurts me the most, but I am 100% sure of something, I should not feel that way towards you. Then it all came to me. Why am I crying if I was the one who said it would be fine if you two fell for each other? Why I am hurting if it was ok in the first place? Why you? Why him? Why me? Why all of these? 

Being the selfish biatch that I am, I despised you for a while. All I thought about was my feelings. I even thought that you somehow betrayed me because all the while you know how I feel for him. That for a time, I thought you didn't even care about how I would feel. I was selfish enough to make you promise to not let anything or anyone ruin the friendship. That was my selfish me. 

And then it struck me. Yes, I do love him since time immemorial, but did it matter to him? I guess not. (But I still love him, silly!) He knows how I feel for him and knows how much I love you, still he went this way, what is he thinking? That I would understand everything? Yes, I guess? And then you. I thought about you. Call me crazy but I want you to be happy. I know you are happy right now. But this is a different kind of happiness. Something that my love, our love can't give you, can't fill what's missing. Then, even with a broken heart, I gathered all the remaining strength that I got and told you to go for it. That if he makes you happy, go. 

It will surely break my heart into pieces, it will surely leave a wound, a scar, but I want you to not think of me. I want you to even let go of me if holding onto me will be a hindrance to go after your happiness. That is how much I love you. That is how much I want you to be happy. Until now, that is my stand, it will never change. When I made you my friend, I promised myself to keep you forever, you and my other loves. That is how much I love all of you. I want all of you to be happy. If your happiness means I'll get hurt, leave it at that. I'll get hurt anyways. 

Loves, please, as I have told you, with all sincerity, go after who makes you happy. Happiness comes every so often that if you let go of it, you'll never know when you'll be able to find it again. Friends will always be here. Will always be by your side. I might take a short break from it if 'happiness' happens but I will surely be back. More stronger. Much better. 

Love you always, 

Loves.