Friends, Family & You

*This is a FB post that I would be sharing here. It was intended for selected people only. 

Long post ahead, you’ve been warned. Selected people only. 

Friends (Wej and Anne) and family (Cray-crays and Mona), this is the time to say “I told you so”.

Okay, I admit, it was wrong from the start. I should have not dived in.  I shouldn’t have started something that would consume me later on. I should have not done the one thing that you guys have warned me about. But I am not sorry.

I was in control of me, of my emotions, on the first few months. Would lose it but would gain it back. Or so I thought. Until it became difficult for me to get out, to let go. I didn’t notice I was losing grip of where I should be holding on. I became selfish. I just thought of myself, that I am happy during those months. That was what I thought, and boy, I was so wrong.

I ditched friends, family and the only thing that makes me feel (in)sane.  One thing leads to another. One lie becomes two and then more. I made myself believe that it was worth it. That he was worth it. That soon, everything will be worth all these tears, these worries. But then again, I was not worth it. Not even a bit. Because there was nothing between us, just the deed. Not for me though

But how do you get hold of your old self back? How can I undo everything? He was a friend before this. He still is. But how can I get things back to how they were, when I feel lost? How can I go back to my old self and just forget seven months of my life? 

I said goodbye to the deed but not the friend. I am still holding on to the friend that I have known before things got crazy. I am still holding on to the friend who didn’t even care to hold me back to safety before letting go of where I am holding on. But I cannot blame him. I don’t blame him. I am not blaming anyone. It was just unfortunate that I was the one at the losing end, that my grip to sanity was not that good. And I do hope you guys won’t blame him either. Please. 

I will be fine. In time. And will surely be over this phase. I promise I will not do anything to harm me. 

To my crays, sorry that this post came ahead of my thank-you post. I love all of you. 

To Wej and Anne, please spare him from your words. I can handle this. It’s not the first time I have been broken.

To Mona, thank you for your understanding. Thank you for thinking of me, of my happiness that time. 

And to you, thank you for the seven months of happy uncertainties. I am still here. I will still be here. A promise is a promise.