Answer Me Not

What do you do with all the unanswered questions? 

Where do you go to have the answers? 

Who do you ask to get the answers? 

Are you prepared to hear the answers? 

I don't know where to start. How to start and what to ask, I have a lot to ask. 

If I have said yes to all the late night invites I got from you, and left the comforts of my home to go wherever you were, will we end up like this? 

If we have not been friends before this, if we don't have gazillion of common friends from work, will you be man enough to take pictures of us together? 

Will you be man enough to introduce me to your friends? As a friend or a significant other? 

Am I not worthy to be seen with you?

Did you even consider the possibilities of what "we" had? 

Did you see me the way you see her? 

Did you even appreciate me as a person? As a friend? 

Was I even a "partner" for you or was it just sex you're after? 

Did you even think of our friendship before, while and after? 

Is that it? Is it the end? 

Did I not make you happy? 

I don't know who to ask, if I can even ask everything or nothing? 

I have a lot more to ask but all those questions are questioning my worth too. And I don't know if I can even do that to me. 

Why? Why not me? Was I not enough? Did I miss something? Was I too much? 

If I was only brave enough to post you on my social media, will get the same appreciation? 

Was there even love in between?

Will you answer all these? Will you help me find the answers? 

Even with all these questions, I am still wishing you well. 

Friends, Family & You

*This is a FB post that I would be sharing here. It was intended for selected people only. 

Long post ahead, you’ve been warned. Selected people only. 

Friends (Wej and Anne) and family (Cray-crays and Mona), this is the time to say “I told you so”.

Okay, I admit, it was wrong from the start. I should have not dived in.  I shouldn’t have started something that would consume me later on. I should have not done the one thing that you guys have warned me about. But I am not sorry.

I was in control of me, of my emotions, on the first few months. Would lose it but would gain it back. Or so I thought. Until it became difficult for me to get out, to let go. I didn’t notice I was losing grip of where I should be holding on. I became selfish. I just thought of myself, that I am happy during those months. That was what I thought, and boy, I was so wrong.

I ditched friends, family and the only thing that makes me feel (in)sane.  One thing leads to another. One lie becomes two and then more. I made myself believe that it was worth it. That he was worth it. That soon, everything will be worth all these tears, these worries. But then again, I was not worth it. Not even a bit. Because there was nothing between us, just the deed. Not for me though

But how do you get hold of your old self back? How can I undo everything? He was a friend before this. He still is. But how can I get things back to how they were, when I feel lost? How can I go back to my old self and just forget seven months of my life? 

I said goodbye to the deed but not the friend. I am still holding on to the friend that I have known before things got crazy. I am still holding on to the friend who didn’t even care to hold me back to safety before letting go of where I am holding on. But I cannot blame him. I don’t blame him. I am not blaming anyone. It was just unfortunate that I was the one at the losing end, that my grip to sanity was not that good. And I do hope you guys won’t blame him either. Please. 

I will be fine. In time. And will surely be over this phase. I promise I will not do anything to harm me. 

To my crays, sorry that this post came ahead of my thank-you post. I love all of you. 

To Wej and Anne, please spare him from your words. I can handle this. It’s not the first time I have been broken.

To Mona, thank you for your understanding. Thank you for thinking of me, of my happiness that time. 

And to you, thank you for the seven months of happy uncertainties. I am still here. I will still be here. A promise is a promise.

Sana Hindi Na Lang

Sana hindi na lang sinubok 
Sana hindi na lang itinuloy
Sana wala ako sa sitwasyon na ito
Sana hindi ako ang nagugulo

Sana hindi na lang nangyari
Sana nalungkot na lang at di mawari
Sana hindi na lang ako sumaya sandali
Sana hindi ako umiiyak na parati

Sana hindi na lang ako kinutuban
Sana na lang naging tanga-tangahan
Sana ako ay nagbulag-bulagan
Sana hindi ka na lang nakamulatan

Sana lahat ng sana ko ay nangyari na lang
Sana ako ngayon ay hindi naiwan
Sana bukas, ikaw ay aking makalimutan
Sana, oh sana ito ay pang wakasan.