Heartbreaker

I woke up crying. 

I am here and writing all I can remember. 

It was you. It was you in my dreams. 

You were chasing me. Went to all the places I went to. Chasing all PUVs I've ridden to talk to me, until you did catch up. 

It is heartbreaking because you were asking for forgiveness, when I know in real life you wouldn't ask for any. You were very insistent to be forgiven. Until you did what you always do, again. And have used a friend as an excuse. 

Then you went back to me and continued to ask for forgiveness as if nothing happened. I was crying in my dreams because I was disappointed and fooled, again.

And then I woke up crying. I just slept for around 2 hours. 

I am still crying as I write this. 

I have forgiven you a long time ago. I am happy now with my current state. Alone again, but happy. I might not be able to go back from before "us" happened, but I am okay now. I just don't know why I dreamt of you.

You still have that effect on me, I won't deny it. One word from you and the wall I have started building again, will shatter to pieces. And that is how much I despise your presence too. 

I am okay. These tears will stop, eyes will run out of it. I will be able to fall asleep again, like I always do. But the dream I had earlier will still play in my mind. 

Song: Kathang Isip

'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto, ito'y lilisan na ako

Mga alaala'y ibabaon Kalakip ang tamis ng kahapon

So finally, you had the courage to tell me, kahit sa Messenger lang, hindi pa sa'yo. Why? Because she can monitor your messages. Kaya pala paikli na ng paikli ang mga messages mo. Kaya pala puro safe words na. 

Mga gabing 'di namamalayang oras ay lumilipad

Mga sandaling lumalayag kung sa'n man tayo mapadpad

I knew this would come soon to an end. Somehow you have prepared me. May mga panahon na kasama nga kita pero iba ang kausap mo. Katabi nga kita pero nasa iba ang isip mo.

Bawat kilig na nadarama sa tuwing hawak ang iyong kamay

Ito'y maling akala isang malaking sablay

You made my heart skip a beat. Akala ko totoo na. I was blinded by what I felt for you five years ago and now. Mali pala ako. Isa lang pala akong "pansamantala".

Pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito

Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo

Ako'y gigising na sa panaginip kong ito

At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo (Lalayo sa)

Sorry at lagi mong natye-tyempuhan na sardinas ang ulam natin. Na sinaway kita nung marami kang sinandok na sibuyas. Sorry kung naiinis ako minsan sa'yo sa mga sandaling oras na kasama kita. Sorry kung may mga gusto ka na di ko kayang gawin. Sorry if I was the jealous type. Sorry if I told you na may iba akong nagugustuhan. What do you want me to do? Maging sa'yo lang tapos hindi ka naman akin lang. Pero alam ko naman na alam mong wala naman talagang iba.

Gaano kabilis nagsimula gano'n katulin nawala

Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa upang 'di na umasa ang pusong nag-iisa?

Seven months. I know ako lang ang nagbibilang. It was my happiest seven months so far. Na sana naging mas masaya pa sana kung nangyari lang yung plano natin. Hindi mo na malalaman na muntik na syang maging totoo. Sabi ko nga you made it happy but uncertain. Ang hirap mo palang mahalin, no wonder. Gustuhin ko man na bumalik sa umpisa. Hindi na kaya. Malabo na.

Pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito

Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo

Ako'y gigising na sa panaginip kong ito

At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo (Lalayo sa)

Hindi ako umaayaw dahil ayaw ko na. Umaayaw ako dahil ayaw mo na. Hindi ko na rin naman kaya na ganun lang tayo, kung anuman ang meron tayo. Alam mo naman kung ano ka sa akin, mula noon hanggang ngayon. Pero hindi ko na kaya. Hindi ko na kakayanin na maging masaya with the uncertainties you are giving me.

Sumabay sa agos na isinulat ng tadhana, na minsan s'ya'y para sa iyo

Pero minsan, s'ya'y paasa. Tatakbo, papalayo, kakalimutan ang lahat

Kaya ko ba? Kailangan kong kayanin. Hindi na ako yung kailangan mo eh. Wala na ako sa'yo. Kinalimutan mo na lahat ng sinabi mo, na lagi mo namang kinakalimutan kinabukasan lang. Makakaahon ba ako dito? Oo, kailangan. Kakayanin. Limang taon ka lang ng buhay ko. Pitong buwan lang dun ang naging totoo.

Pero kahit sa'n man lumingon nasusulyapan ang kahapon

At sa aking bawat paghinga, Ikaw ang nasa isip ko, sinta

Kaya't pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito

Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo Ako'y gigising na mula sa panaginip kong itoAt sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo (Lalayo sa)

Ang dami kong tanong na sinagot mo sa ilang salita lang. Na para bang yun lang ako para sayo. Ano pa nga ba ang aasahan ko? Pasensya ka na kung minahal kita. Kaibigan pa din kita, gaya ng pangako ko, pero huwag muna ngayon. Hindi muna ngayon. Kasi mahal pa din kita ng higit sa kaibigan lang. Paalam na muna, mahal ko. Paalam na muna, kaibigan ko. Paalam na muna, Mangyan ng buhay ko.

'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto? Ito'y lilisan na ako...

Answer Me Not

What do you do with all the unanswered questions? 

Where do you go to have the answers? 

Who do you ask to get the answers? 

Are you prepared to hear the answers? 

I don't know where to start. How to start and what to ask, I have a lot to ask. 

If I have said yes to all the late night invites I got from you, and left the comforts of my home to go wherever you were, will we end up like this? 

If we have not been friends before this, if we don't have gazillion of common friends from work, will you be man enough to take pictures of us together? 

Will you be man enough to introduce me to your friends? As a friend or a significant other? 

Am I not worthy to be seen with you?

Did you even consider the possibilities of what "we" had? 

Did you see me the way you see her? 

Did you even appreciate me as a person? As a friend? 

Was I even a "partner" for you or was it just sex you're after? 

Did you even think of our friendship before, while and after? 

Is that it? Is it the end? 

Did I not make you happy? 

I don't know who to ask, if I can even ask everything or nothing? 

I have a lot more to ask but all those questions are questioning my worth too. And I don't know if I can even do that to me. 

Why? Why not me? Was I not enough? Did I miss something? Was I too much? 

If I was only brave enough to post you on my social media, will get the same appreciation? 

Was there even love in between?

Will you answer all these? Will you help me find the answers? 

Even with all these questions, I am still wishing you well. 

Friends, Family & You

*This is a FB post that I would be sharing here. It was intended for selected people only. 

Long post ahead, you’ve been warned. Selected people only. 

Friends (Wej and Anne) and family (Cray-crays and Mona), this is the time to say “I told you so”.

Okay, I admit, it was wrong from the start. I should have not dived in.  I shouldn’t have started something that would consume me later on. I should have not done the one thing that you guys have warned me about. But I am not sorry.

I was in control of me, of my emotions, on the first few months. Would lose it but would gain it back. Or so I thought. Until it became difficult for me to get out, to let go. I didn’t notice I was losing grip of where I should be holding on. I became selfish. I just thought of myself, that I am happy during those months. That was what I thought, and boy, I was so wrong.

I ditched friends, family and the only thing that makes me feel (in)sane.  One thing leads to another. One lie becomes two and then more. I made myself believe that it was worth it. That he was worth it. That soon, everything will be worth all these tears, these worries. But then again, I was not worth it. Not even a bit. Because there was nothing between us, just the deed. Not for me though

But how do you get hold of your old self back? How can I undo everything? He was a friend before this. He still is. But how can I get things back to how they were, when I feel lost? How can I go back to my old self and just forget seven months of my life? 

I said goodbye to the deed but not the friend. I am still holding on to the friend that I have known before things got crazy. I am still holding on to the friend who didn’t even care to hold me back to safety before letting go of where I am holding on. But I cannot blame him. I don’t blame him. I am not blaming anyone. It was just unfortunate that I was the one at the losing end, that my grip to sanity was not that good. And I do hope you guys won’t blame him either. Please. 

I will be fine. In time. And will surely be over this phase. I promise I will not do anything to harm me. 

To my crays, sorry that this post came ahead of my thank-you post. I love all of you. 

To Wej and Anne, please spare him from your words. I can handle this. It’s not the first time I have been broken.

To Mona, thank you for your understanding. Thank you for thinking of me, of my happiness that time. 

And to you, thank you for the seven months of happy uncertainties. I am still here. I will still be here. A promise is a promise.

Sana Hindi Na Lang

Sana hindi na lang sinubok 
Sana hindi na lang itinuloy
Sana wala ako sa sitwasyon na ito
Sana hindi ako ang nagugulo

Sana hindi na lang nangyari
Sana nalungkot na lang at di mawari
Sana hindi na lang ako sumaya sandali
Sana hindi ako umiiyak na parati

Sana hindi na lang ako kinutuban
Sana na lang naging tanga-tangahan
Sana ako ay nagbulag-bulagan
Sana hindi ka na lang nakamulatan

Sana lahat ng sana ko ay nangyari na lang
Sana ako ngayon ay hindi naiwan
Sana bukas, ikaw ay aking makalimutan
Sana, oh sana ito ay pang wakasan. 

Sampu, Sampiso

Sa sampung sinabi mo, isa lang ang totoo

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagpakaloko

Walang pangako, walang klaro

Kapos din sa totoo.

Bukas ang maiiwan na lang, marka ng alaala

Ilang araw lang ay mawawala na

Ngayon pa lang tinapos ang istorya

Na dapat sana ay di na nagsimula.

Mabuti pa ang tula madaling wakasan

Hindi gaya ng pag-asa, bigla ka na lang iiwan

Walang sinisino, pakiwari at pasintabi

Di tulad ng tula, na sa labi namutawi. 

**It was ALMOST an anxiety attack.

Inhale... Exhale...

It's Happening Again

June 23, 2014

First day at my new job. Met new people. Some I find interesting.

Fast forward to 1st year at this job.

So I find the guy interesting but I heard he is 'married' with kids. He is funny. Not your typical funny guy. His idea of jokes are sometimes not wholesome. He is definitely not your Brad Pitt-handsome type of guy. For those who doesn't know me, I don't go for looks. I am after someone who I can talk to about anything under the sun. Someone who can make laugh. So I liked him but his 'marital' status stopped me from really liking him. For me then, he is just a good friend.

A year or two later. I found out he is not married but is with a partner for many years. I found out he is from the same high school. He was born a year and a day after me. We share the same zodiac sign. Then we became really good friends. He would share stories with me. Shared his dark, not-so good side. He shared almost all his flaws. Would call me if he feels bad. If he needs someone to talk to.

Fast forward to March 2019.

So he was feeling bad, at one of his lowest. And I was there, as always, as a friend. We talked. Exhanged messages. We agreed to meet that night. We had some drinks. Talked about life. Until we talked about us. Me. Him. What happened in between those almost 5 years of friendship. Had some revelations in between. Then things happened.

Then things started to happen. Things that are not supposed to happen but we allowed to, for some reason/s.

I thought I had it good. I thought I was in control of my emotions. I was wrong again. So I decided to stop whatever it was that we were having. But I can't. Didn't even lasted a month. I was too caught up to stop. So we started seeing each other.

Until a couple of days ago.

We had another drink. I should have known in all these almost five years that he is not the same person he is whenever intoxicated. I brought it up to him, that he has a problem with his memory, which he acknowledged. Going back, I let him know a part of me that I was keeping from almost everyone. Shared with him my deepest story. Partly brave because of the alcohol. So he said some words that clung onto my soul. Made me thought those are for real. Oh boy, was I wrong.

So here I am again. Am I broken? Am I hurt? Yes. Yes. What makes it more hard is because I have loved him since before I knew more about him and still loved him after all the bad things I have known about him. That he is and will still be a friend after all these. I still want us to be friends. I just want to shield myself first from too much pain this is causing me.

Come June 23, 2019, happy five years of knowing you.